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Advice Archives: Number 39
The request
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The request
I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost six months now and we often take part in oral sex. I am so totally sure that he's not sexually active or anything with anybody else. We're both perfectly healthy. Are there still risks/things that could happen if we don't start using condoms and stuff for just oral sex?
Aalize replies
Unless you spend 24 hours each day with your boyfriend, you are NOT totally sure that he's not sexing someone else. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, think that.
Now, unless there are breaks, canker/cold sores, lesions, cuts or recent dental work, in your or his mouth, Oral Sex is regarded as low risk behavior for the transmission of the HIV virus. Remember low risk, doesn't equal NO RISK. F.Y.I, there are numerous other STD's(sexually transmitted diseases) that can be transmitted during Oral Sex, including Gonorrhea, and Herpes. Why take chances? To lessen the risk, use a latex condom during Oral Sex, and have him use a Dental Dam. Protect, don't Regret.
The request
I am a 26 year old female and my boyfriend is 38. He has been married before and has a daughter of four years of age. We have been dating for a year. Last week I finished with him because I don't think he wants commitment although he says he loves me, he has started letting me down a lot lately.
A few weeks ago I heard a message on his answerphone from a lady called Sue - I asked him whether he was seeing anyone else and he swore on his daughters life that he was not. Trouble is everytime I don't see him I am wondering and don't trust him- that is the reasons why I finished with him. The problem is, is that I miss him and would like to work it out with him. I wrote him a note telling him straight it was over, do you think he will ever call me to sort things out ??
Aalize replies
Well Miss Girl, seems like your mouth may have written that proverbial check. Since I do not know what you wrote in that "Dear John" letter, I'll have to put the ball back in your court. YOU didn't have a problem telling him it's over, don't have a problem asking him to "sort things out." Oh and regarding, Sue - she could have been a booty call, but she also could have been a bill collector.
The request
My husband is in a band. They often make long trips in a van. Every band member is married except for the guitar player. The guitar player's sister often accompanies the band when they travel in the van. Often, myself and the other two wives cannot go because we have kids and cannot get a babysitter. Last Friday, the band, the guitar player's sister, the guitar player's girlfriend and I went up to Chicago for them to play (about a 4 hour ride). I don't have a problem with her going except there was some hanky panky going on with one of the other married band members and the guitar player's sister and he even told me so. They did not have sex, but I'm almost positive there was kissing involved. The guitar player's sister knows that he is married. She even knows his wife! Personally, I think she should have her butt kicked!!
I am friends with his wife as I am with all of the band member's wives. I don't know if I should tell her what happened. I know that if something like that happened with my husband I would want to know but I don't want to cause trouble and I believe that the married band member who was involved in the hanky panky will lie and tell her that nothing happened. I'm afraid that she will then be mad at me. Also, I know that the guitar player's sister will ride with them again (probably several times). I'm afraid that something more will happen between the married band member and her. I don't want that to happen to his wife. Don't know what to do!!! .
Aalize replies
Beaner, what you need to do is mind yours. You said the guitar player's sister knows the guy is married and even knows his wife! Oh my! ***NEWSFLASH! The married guy also knows that he is married AND he knows his wife!
Mind your business, mind your business mind your business! If it ain't your business then make it your business to LEAVE OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS ALONE.
The request
I like my friend as more than a friend. I'm not sure that he feels the same. I've told him and told him how I feel but he thinks I'm only joking. The worst of my problem is he is going out with my best friend and I feel VERY strongly about him. He is a good boyfriend to her when they are alone or on the phone and when he's around his friends he is a bad boyfriend. He has a bad rep for cheating but I can't help how I feel. I'm used to giving her advice on him and she said that I could come to her on anything, but I think not this. I've tried to get over him but I can't. What should I do? **This is a very sensitive subject for me!
Aalize replies
Sensitive my grits. Get over him. Girl, recognize GAME when it's all up in your face. You've told him and told him how you feel... he thinks you're joking. Yeah, right. He knows damned well you aren't joking. He's letting you down easily. He is NOT interested in you. He has a girlfriend, and he has a bad rep for cheating. You're attracted to the BAD BOY type, huh? Well UNattract, he's UNinterested.
The request
I always get hurt in relationships because I trust the other person to care about me and I guess I give my heart over too fast. I always end up heartbroken and seriously depressed when the relationship ends. I'm just looking for love and a soul mate. But how can I guard my heart in relationships?
Aalize replies
Sloooow down. Trust yourself to care about you and your feelings. Until you care about you, no one else can or will. Get your precious little heart off of your sleeve and put it back in your chest cavity. The dating game is a trip and sad to say, it is a game. I'm not the one to advocate "playing games," so try "BEING" a little harder to get, a little less available.
Become truly interested in a hobby, a class, etc. Interesting people attract interested people!
The request
As a black man I was not opposed or surprised when I saw black women with white men, or vice-versa, none of this meant much to me because I had beautiful strong black women all around me through all of my formative year along with strong hard working BLACK men. Although I did not grow up wealthy I was rich with love for my family and people. Having said that I now feel torn because I am now involved with a Black women who was raised in a mixed home by a white father who adopted her. She got involved with a white man, got pregnant was suppose to marry him but things did not work out.
She then kept this man as a friend giving the black men in her life a choice either accept him as a friend or else, and also understand that I still socialize with him. Accept that fact or get out of my life! Well after several failed relationships even with one who had "AIDS" I arrive in the picture...And this time I said to her get him out of your life or I will be out of your life. It is one thing to have been involved with someone outside of your race which in my opinion is the norm, but to have an ex-lover hanging around regardless of what color and then to say we are only friends is a no, no. It is becoming a running issue and I am getting to the point that I am willing to forgo the 2-1/2 carat engagement ring and scrap the whole idea. She thinks I am insecure, which I am not.
Aalize replies
Take a deep breath. Aaaahhhhhh.... feel better now? For future reference, the Confession Station is across your monitor to the left.
The request
This women I care about. I send her cards, I call her and she never returns my calls or say thanks for the cards. What should I do?
Aalize replies
My dear sweet Willie. STOP sending her cards, STOP calling her! She obviously doesn't appreciate your calls or cards, and isn't interested in you.
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